I feel my knees shaking as the blood runs down my legs, my breath is faint, I feel as though I'm slipping away, and suddenly the lights go dark. I wake up to my husband crying and screaming for help, and my heart breaks even more. Its been 12 days of excruciating pain and bleeding, and I cannot take it any longer, I'm not strong enough. So I let go, I stop fighting my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my loss, and I ask the Lord, "why Father, why me"? This is the third time I have been in the hospital, and I'm tired of being here, I'm tired of being told there is nothing wrong with me, when there is. My body feels like it's breaking down more and more everyday, and the only thing I feel that keeps me strong is the smile on my daughters face, and the love that my husband expresses when he holds me in his arms. To feel the loss of a child is one of the hardest things a woman has to go through, especially when you have been praying and pleading to the Lord for the blessing of another life. I ask myself, "Lord why do I feel as though your not here, have I let you down, have I sinned against you Father"? These thoughts are temporary and I begin to rebuke those thoughts, and I quickly run under the covering of my Father, because his yoke is easy and his burden is light.
I'm not new to being a believer, I have known Jesus my whole life, and there were moments in my life where I was so close to him I thought I would never part from him, but I did. In my teenage years I had fallen far from the graces of God, and hidden in things I pray my child will never have to struggle with. There is significance in my child's life, not only because she is a miracle, but because her life brought me back to the Lord. When I was seven months pregnant I had so many complications and was dealing with life threatening illnesses, that I sometimes felt her life would be lost. I fell to my knees one night and I asked God, "Father, forgive me for my sins, I've ran from your words and your will for my life but I ask you today, right now, spare the life of my child. Don't let her die, I know I don't deserve your grace or your healing, but she, she is perfect. You knit her in my womb and you know the destiny that awaits her, take every argument and every curse. I believe Father your are the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, your words and power are true, and I ask Father if this is my last request, if I should lose my life, that she should keep hers." You see all it takes is a moment of true repentance, and ask the Lord for forgiveness, and his love for us is so deep, that he is always willing. The next day my brother asked me to join him at church, and I knew this was the calling of the Lord and if I did not answer, I would surely lose my life, and that of my child. Anissa Christina turned 2 years old on May 30Th, and everyday as I look at her beautiful face, and listen to her joyous laughter, I see God. I remember his promise, I remember what he did for me, and for that I can never turn my back on him again.
I do not believe that losing a child is something that happens out of disobedience, or happens because you did something wrong. It has taken a lot of time in the presence of the Lord to come to that conclusion, because there have been many days these past weeks where I didn't feel my thoughts and feelings were in order. When you have a miscarriage, you wonder what happened and what you could have done to save the life growing inside of you. Fact of the matter is, Christ did save the life of my child. My Father makes no mistake when asked for the blessing of a son, when you pray and give offerings for the son you wish to have, he returns your request with the best! The word in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, "praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." I have not lost a child but I have given birth to a testimony that will be used to comfort women who have gone through the things I can relate to. I know the feeling of loss, I know the feeling of not knowing why and hating myself for not being able to save my child. It is in these thoughts and in these emotions that I have been set free from the enemy and his lies! I stopped listening to the negative and the deadly voice we call mourning, and I have been given life from my Father.
It was in this time of sorrow, anger and pain that I needed to stop everything I was doing, and just be still. No more going to school, work, church, cell, store, anywhere. Just complete and sweet silence, in the presence of my God and letting him love me the way not even my child or husband could give. It was in his arms that I found the strength to move on and begin to heal, to realize that he needed this time to speak to me and prepare me for the promise he had given me many years ago. I have rested in the Lord, and I have been at the foot of the cross not speaking or pleading, but just listening. His voice is peace, comfort, healing and love and he is your only hope when there is nothing left. His desire is for us to have a heart that can be open, no matter what the circumstance, no matter what the pain. My amazing Pastor and leader once told me that an open heart is going to be broken, but its when the heart is submit to the Father and we give him our heartbreak quickly, that we heal correctly in him. When we heal correctly and know the purpose for our life through Christ, there is no stopping us. This is a process and I don't have all the answers, but I know who does, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I'm still at home on bed rest, and there are days when I feel stronger than others, but my spirit is strong! In this situation the Lord has shown me many things and blessed me with the true revelation of who he is. His love and truth has ignited a fire inside of me, and in order to keep that fire burning I have to stay in his presence every single day. I've realize that life is not promised and every day we get closer and closer to seeing the return of our Messiah. I don't have time to take steps back, I have to keep working and winning in order to move closer to my place in his kingdom. The Lord showed me this scripture a few days ago and it reads in Luke 4:18-19, "The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, Because he has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor, He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To preach deliverance to the captives, And recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed, To preach the acceptable year of the Lord." I believe that every year, month, day, hour, second is the year of the Lord. With a new mind, heart, vision, words, action and purposed we can save the nations! To live a life for Christ, and to win is for the Glory of God" and not the Glory of Men!
One day at a time is my new motto, listening and wanting the true purpose of God in our lives can heal any heart break. It makes us stronger and builds that armor we need to battle, to fight for the lost, for our families, for our children, for ourselves.
In the mist of the storm, look to the one who gives you rest. For His love is sovereign and his kisses are sweet.
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