Healing the Heart of a Daughter

Its almost 8am and I'm laying awake just staring at the sealing, waiting for my little one to wake up and take this feeling of anger away. I have been dreading this day since last year, and I couldn’t help but to be angry, even if it was a day of celebration. I could only think of what my father was doing today and I wondered if he was even thinking of me as he hugged and kisses his other children. There was a time in my life when Father's day, along with Valentines Day were my favorite holidays, but now they were just painful reminders of the life I had as a child and they joys they once brought to my life. Every Father's day I would write my daddy a letter, and I would tell him how much I loved him, and how much he meant to me. I would be sure to say I was sorry for the bad things I had done and explain to him that I was coming clean because I couldn’t bare the thought of him being angry with me. Every letter would be signed with “Love your Oldest Daughter, Cecilia Carrillo”, and I would borrow moms lips stick and kiss my letter to him. I'm pretty sure non of those letters survived the divorce. 

Along with the divorce, our relationship didn’t last either. The closer he got to his new wife, the further away his relationship with me got. When he and his wife welcomed their first child together, a girl, I no longer felt the honor of being the first born, but the first forgotten. I carried all of this in my heart and I would cry out to the Lord for healing, and salvation from my own torment. I could no longer carry this hurt and devastating feeling of being unwanted and unloved, it was making me bitter. 

I prayed that morning, and I cried, and I held my hand close to my heart, because no matter how much I cried, the heart ache wouldn’t go away, it would hurt more. I didn't know if this hurt was the hurt I felt because I missed my father and I wanted to know why he didn't love me back, or because God knew exactly what I was feeling and his heart was breaking right along with mine. 

I got my baby dressed, tied my husbands shoes laces, fixed my hair and headed out to church. The whole way it was silent and there was no life in me, just despair and pain. Worship wasn't worship to me, just anger spewing into a horrible attitude and ugly faces. Sitting next to my husband and holding his hand wasn’t an honor, it was painful reminder of Father's day service and how I used to sit next to daddy and hold his hand. I had read a tweet before service that my pastor had put out and it read “Love your Father this Day. Sometimes you have to take a long slow look at your dad and realize that he's just doing the best he can. Truly.” I thought about that as pastor gave an amazing, life changing word to the men in our church. The word was so life changing that Im still not sure if the message was for the men, or for the women who stand next to their men. What I did know, was that I walked out of service that day and I was free. I didn't have to be angry, I didn't have to carry this expectation from my father, but I had to simply know he was doing the best he could. I had to forgive him. You see its not an understatement when those closest to you teach you that forgiveness isn't for the other person, but it is for you. Instead of celebrating my husband and the wonderful father he is to our child, I was being miserable for the lack of my biological father in my own life. It would have been nice to call my father that day and tell him how much I loved him, but he never answered me that day. I only left a message and I said, “I forgive you, I love you, Happy Father's day daddy.” 

The word says in Malachi 4:6 “He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; and the Lord did that this day. The Lord never lets his children suffer in pain, and when he speaks the word and says enough, its enough. Are things perfect between my father and I? No, but they can be. If I can learn and let myself love God, my ultimate Father, I can forgive and build a relationship with my earthly Father. I was hindering Gods place in my heart by not allowing him in to the depths of my pain. I cut him off the day I cut my earthly father off. I only let him in so far, and I would say no more, not here, you cant have this part of me. Everything changed for the better, I speak to my father on a regular basis, without anger, but with love and a yearning to know who he is. Its the same with God, I go to him with love and with truth, not hiding or cutting him off from any part of my life. Yet, I let him in with a yearning to help me though every day, waiting for him to Love me, as only a Father can, unconditionally. 

What Makes a Father?

God took the strength of a mountain,

The majesty of a tree,

The warmth of a summer sun,

The calm of a quiet sea,

The generous soul of nature,

The comforting arm of night,

The wisdom of the ages,

The power of the eagle’s flight,

The joy of a morning in spring,

The faith of a mustard seed,

The patience of eternity,

The depth of a family need,

Then God combined these qualities,

When there was nothing more to add,

He knew His masterpiece was complete,

and so,

He called it … Dad

"Know me More"...-God

Sometimes in our lives we go through storms called life. Some storms are bearable and when we get through them we feel strong. Lately, I have been going through storms that seem like they never end. Or they feel like storms I have been through before, and I wonder "why I'm back in the same place"? Truth be told, we are never out of, or conquer a storm, until the Lord has said we have conquered. Humans are very perceptive people; we perceive what we think is coming next and we go against that. However that decision is most likely a wrong decision because its human perception and not God. When we muster enough strength to say we are done with this storm, we put a rinky dink pair of wipers on and take the next exit out, we fail. Storms are there for purpose, a purpose that we can never understand until we ride it out to the end, and see Gods magnificent glory shine.


It has been my personal experience that cheating my way out of a storm seems easier than to endure it. When God begins to cut on me and trim away excess that isn't needed in my life, I feel like I have endured to much and I take the cowardly way out. I put on this self righteous mind set that I don't deserve this, because I've had a life full of hurts and pains. When in reality, as horrible as some things in my life have been, people have gone through worse. The biggest threat and lie the enemy places inside of us in that "victim mentality" that kills every part of our destiny. The victim mentality gives us power in our own selves that only we can see. It is a lie and an illusion that we are untouchable, because we are victims and we deserve to stay in our own mess. 


Today I spend sometime with the Lord, not asking for blessings and prosperity, but for forgiveness. I asked the Lord to take away His blessings from my life, and only give me forgiveness. That was wrong, it impossible to take the Lords blessings from your life. Your life is a blessing in itself, therefore I would be asking the Lord to take my own life. Sometimes it feels like it would be better to leave with the Lords love and Forgiveness, than to mess up again. Only that is not why we were born, its easy, its a cop out- to ask for the Lord to take your life before you have even began to live. As a Christian who grows daily, it is my job to heed the instruction of the Lord. To listen to His voice, not to run from it. Sometimes the Lord allows storms so that we can get to know Him more. So that we can learn to grow and be examples of His love and mercy manifesting in our lives.


It is time for our generation to rise up and take our place. We are so close to seeing his Glory, that the closer we get the harder the enemy tries to destroy us. We must become warriors who never waiver and never back down when the fight is coming down to death. We have to be a people that seek and want nothing but the life and the love of the One who gave us ability to feel such things. Seek out the God of all comfort, the God of all creation. The One and Only true God. The God who loves us more than we can possibly understand. 


Get to know Him more, and ask Him to destroy every distortion of who He is in our lives. Take the first step in getting to know Him like He is. Magnificent, Loving, Caring, Patient, Kind, Forgiving, Just, Fair, Everything good and nothing bad. Lay your life down to know Him more, to belong to Him and only Him. He is waiting for you.

"(...."Take hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands, and you will live. Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or turn away from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is this: Gett wisdom. Though it cost all you have,t get understanding. Cherish her, and she will exalt you; embrace her, and she will honor you. She will give you a garland to grace your head and present you with a glorious crown." Listen, my son, accept what I say, and the years of your life will be many. I instruct you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble. Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life. Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evildoers.- Proverbs 4:4-13

Anissa Christina

Big brown eyes, Long shiny hair

Smile so big, warms my heart

Guerita bonita, My little Angelita

Anissa.

I wake up everyday

and I thank God for you

Its amazing what Prayer and Faith can do

Your my miracle,

the one who wasn’t supposed to come

the one who never would be,

And yet here you are with me

Always bringing Joy, Laughter and Happiness

a mi Vida.

I wish I could spend every single day

every single second of the day with you,

I never wanna miss anything you do or say

just wanna sit back and watch you play.

Your smile is like the sun so bright

you bring me out of darkness and into the light

Your my buddy, my little home-girl

we stay like elastic, real tight

spend all day and all night

tickling each other and play fight.

Your kisses are like candy

Sticky and sweet,

I live for those moments

when you tackle and kiss me.

I love hearing the pitter patter of your

precious little feet-

I love how you reach out for my hand,

and hold it close to your heart

while you fall asleep.

Your my sunshine after the rain,

your my medicine

your life takes away all the pain

I am a lioness and you are my cub,

never will you be hurt or ever feel harm.

Your life has Destiny

You were born for an amazing Purpose

I speak life over you Daughter

Walk and know who You were born to be

You were born for Greatness and that

is just what You will be!

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year! Wow, if your wondering where time went and how did it suddenly become 2011, you are not alone. 2010 went by fast, and it was a year of growth and of healing for me and for my family. It was a year where I chose to think that things happened for me and not to me, where I am so completely in love with Christ, I knew nothing was for nothing, but for everything! 2010 was also a year for achieving goals and putting faith into practice every single day and not just on days when I was needing faith to get me through the day. We rob God sometimes of his grace and power when we get into a slump and feel like giving up, but I thank God every single day for my husband, friends and my Pastors for always encouraging me to fight and keep going forward no matter what the cost. I don’t want to dwell on 2010 but I want to take the things that I learned and put them into use for 2011- I think sometimes people get stuck on the past and when a new year comes, they take the past into the future and thats not what we should do. Taking baggage with you makes you heavy and it hinders your from traveling further into the success and accomplishments God has in store for you. Gods word says “Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.” Lamentations 3:21-23. You see God meant for us to keep our Faith in him every single day of our lives, to look forward to his love and mercy, because he is so overwhelming, every single day and not just at the beginning of the year.

The New year starts off with a word from our Pastor- It sets the tone for the whole year and we use that word to keep us going, to motivate us, inspire us, to drive us towards victory! The word for 2011 is “ A new beginning, believe God is going to do something new in your life and have Faith”.

So how do we walk in victory throughout the whole year and not just the first month? lol. Well its simple- Surround yourself with someone who is going to hold you accountable for your goals, and someone who can genuinely motivate you when you want to give up. There are times we share our goals with others and they have the good intention of helping you stay on track, but sometimes they fall off track, taking you with them. Keep your eye on the prize, focus and take your goal to the Lord daily, he is working on your behalf, hearing your goals, and making them happen! Quitting is not an option, you are not a quitter, and if you are, well then stop stopping, keep going! We all have bad days, but I call these days of opportunity, what can we learn from the day? Where did it go wrong? and how do I fix it? Perseverance is the key to everything, perseverance is the ability to stay on course no matter the circumstance. Also remember there are 365 days in one year and not 36, sometimes people set goals that are obtainable, but they need time in order to achieve them. You cannot lose 60lbs in 4 days, but it is definitely possible in 204 days, give yourself time and God time to show you the correct way of doing things, so they don’t just become dreams with dead ends, but obtainable goals with purpose and testimony behind them.

Once again Happy New Year! New Faith! New Hope! New Dreams! New Goals! New achievements! New Fire! New Anointing! New Us in God! Yes!!!!!!!!!