Its almost 8am and I'm laying awake just staring at the sealing, waiting for my little one to wake up and take this feeling of anger away. I have been dreading this day since last year, and I couldn’t help but to be angry, even if it was a day of celebration. I could only think of what my father was doing today and I wondered if he was even thinking of me as he hugged and kisses his other children. There was a time in my life when Father's day, along with Valentines Day were my favorite holidays, but now they were just painful reminders of the life I had as a child and they joys they once brought to my life. Every Father's day I would write my daddy a letter, and I would tell him how much I loved him, and how much he meant to me. I would be sure to say I was sorry for the bad things I had done and explain to him that I was coming clean because I couldn’t bare the thought of him being angry with me. Every letter would be signed with “Love your Oldest Daughter, Cecilia Carrillo”, and I would borrow moms lips stick and kiss my letter to him. I'm pretty sure non of those letters survived the divorce.
Along with the divorce, our relationship didn’t last either. The closer he got to his new wife, the further away his relationship with me got. When he and his wife welcomed their first child together, a girl, I no longer felt the honor of being the first born, but the first forgotten. I carried all of this in my heart and I would cry out to the Lord for healing, and salvation from my own torment. I could no longer carry this hurt and devastating feeling of being unwanted and unloved, it was making me bitter.
I prayed that morning, and I cried, and I held my hand close to my heart, because no matter how much I cried, the heart ache wouldn’t go away, it would hurt more. I didn't know if this hurt was the hurt I felt because I missed my father and I wanted to know why he didn't love me back, or because God knew exactly what I was feeling and his heart was breaking right along with mine.
I got my baby dressed, tied my husbands shoes laces, fixed my hair and headed out to church. The whole way it was silent and there was no life in me, just despair and pain. Worship wasn't worship to me, just anger spewing into a horrible attitude and ugly faces. Sitting next to my husband and holding his hand wasn’t an honor, it was painful reminder of Father's day service and how I used to sit next to daddy and hold his hand. I had read a tweet before service that my pastor had put out and it read “Love your Father this Day. Sometimes you have to take a long slow look at your dad and realize that he's just doing the best he can. Truly.” I thought about that as pastor gave an amazing, life changing word to the men in our church. The word was so life changing that Im still not sure if the message was for the men, or for the women who stand next to their men. What I did know, was that I walked out of service that day and I was free. I didn't have to be angry, I didn't have to carry this expectation from my father, but I had to simply know he was doing the best he could. I had to forgive him. You see its not an understatement when those closest to you teach you that forgiveness isn't for the other person, but it is for you. Instead of celebrating my husband and the wonderful father he is to our child, I was being miserable for the lack of my biological father in my own life. It would have been nice to call my father that day and tell him how much I loved him, but he never answered me that day. I only left a message and I said, “I forgive you, I love you, Happy Father's day daddy.”
The word says in Malachi 4:6 “He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; and the Lord did that this day. The Lord never lets his children suffer in pain, and when he speaks the word and says enough, its enough. Are things perfect between my father and I? No, but they can be. If I can learn and let myself love God, my ultimate Father, I can forgive and build a relationship with my earthly Father. I was hindering Gods place in my heart by not allowing him in to the depths of my pain. I cut him off the day I cut my earthly father off. I only let him in so far, and I would say no more, not here, you cant have this part of me. Everything changed for the better, I speak to my father on a regular basis, without anger, but with love and a yearning to know who he is. Its the same with God, I go to him with love and with truth, not hiding or cutting him off from any part of my life. Yet, I let him in with a yearning to help me though every day, waiting for him to Love me, as only a Father can, unconditionally.
No comments:
Post a Comment