PHENOMENAL WOMAN

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing of my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them,

They say they still can't see.

I say

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

The palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

from And Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

Redemption

Lately I’ve been reading all the things that I have written in my journal over the years, and everything that ever comes back to me is, wow..How amazing the Love of Jesus is. I can read back to some things and truly feel in the words that I'm reading that I had to be in such a state of misery that it always had to be the Love and Redemption of Jesus that got me through it. I looked up the word redemption and there were many definitions, but the one that stood out to me the most was the definition that read; repurchase, as of something sold. I thought to myself in that moment, God how many times have I been sold to this world and the things in it? How many times have I allowed my heart, mind, thoughts and actions to be sold at such a cheap price, I'm not sure I even sold it, I just handed myself over. How many times have we promised not to be let go at bargain prices and yet there we are a few days, even hours later on sale for pennies? I asked God, how could I do that and not get tired of the life of slavery?

Imagine your sin was on trial, and you the person, along with your sin were put up for sale to a buyer who redeemed your sins. You stand there on trial, ashamed and full of regret but the only way to rid you self of such shame is to be bought for a price that you had no control over. You pray and hope the person who is buying you, purchases you for a price you can work off, and eventually be free from, no longer having to have this scarlet letter making you a target of ridicule and shame. Your not sold for a cheap price, your not sold to a kind redeemer, and you have to work your sin off, adding price to your wage of shelter and food. You work days and years never being being able to work enough for your sin to be forgiven and being to old to care if your redeemed or not. That is such a sad way to live, and such a sad way to die.

I'm so grateful that I know the love of Jesus, that I know he paid the ultimate price for my sin and I can be redeemed without being a slave to my sin or my shame. The Blood Jesus shed on the Cross cost so much, that there is no number great enough to set a price. The Blood of Jesus is like Gold, it is always in demand, never loses its value and people will do anything to get there hands on it. And yet, there are people who walk around in this world not knowing that the Blood of Jesus doesn't have to cost them a thing. Its free, its for everyone, and you never have to be put on trial or put to shame to obtain it. God gave his One and only Son to die for our sins, and its so amazing just to think about it. Overwhelming is the word really.

Redemption from sin is the ultimate act of Love I can think of. I know the Lord has given me love, grace, health, finances, joy, happiness, life, my child, my husband but all those things mean nothing without the redemption of my sins. Non of those things can be enjoyed or lived for without knowing that at the end of the day, no matter how hard we try, and sometimes we fail, its OK. We can go to the Father and ask for the forgiveness of our sins, receiving redemption and living another day of life knowing our Father loves us and is for us, ready to set us free.

Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land.

2 Chronicles 7:14

Mighty and Worthy Me

Mighty and Worthy Me

By Tina Fernandez

Tears fall down my face, tears I’ve felt fall for years.

I’m filled with sorrow I can’t figure out

I miss my life, the life I felt you gave me to live

People and their choices determined who I’d be,

But God is this who I’m supposed to be?

I don’t want to hurt anymore; I don’t want to feel this pain

I just want to be normal, have my own thoughts

I want to be sane

I hide my face behind this crack pipe

I hide all emotions and just flow away

Into a deep thought of disarray

Where pain doesn’t exist, where hurt has no place

I tell myself this is my life,

This is all I’ll ever be, just me and my

Crack pipe, the only thing that loves me.

Suddenly a hand from above

Reaches out to save me,

I’m afraid, I don’t know different

This has been my life, nothing but tragedy

With every gentle touch, I feel the scars and hurts flow away

My once ugly and dirty spirit suddenly feels clean and just,

I feel like me.

I may know only a few things,

But what I do know is I’ve been saved and touched

By the hand of God.

No my crying, not more tears, no more nightmares

No more fears.

I walk in mighty peace because that’s whats inside of me

Beautiful and worthy

That’s who I am supposed to be.

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Colossians 1:13-14

I started writing the poem Mighty and Worthy Me almost 7 years ago, never really having the words to properly end it, I saved it knowing one day the Lord would give me the words. Today, I have been clean and sober for 5 years and I have to say that being sober and saved is such an awesome feeling, that words literally cant express what Im feeling. Only words of gratitude and gratefulness come to mind when I think of the things I’ve been through. Gods grace is beyond our reach, and yet it always finds its way to us, saving us from ourselves and the things we let ourselves be held captive to.

Drugs have always been something that has been in my family, whether it was an uncle who did them, or an uncle who was a drug dealer, I’ve known about them for a long time. I feared them most of my life, knowing that they kill and destroy the lives of those you love, and yet this wasn’t enough to keep me from doing them when I turned 19. I was just out of high school, I had just lost a softball scholarship, and broken up with the one I thought I was meant to be with for the rest of my life, life was tough. All it took was one time, and it was true, just like the books and lectures say, you get hooked. I found myself in a depth of darkness no one but the Grace of God could save me from.

I spent all my time plotting and thinking of things I could sell or steal from my family to get the fix I needed. For almost 3 months I lived in a dark room, surrounded by the only thing that I felt gave me life, Meth. My family had no idea I was struggling with these vices, because I was living alone in our Arizona home, while my parents worked in here in Salinas. Many times my parents would call home, and if the phone wasn’t disconnected, they would send an uncle to check on me. Funny thing is that uncle was the one who got me addicted to drugs. I used to justify my addiction because I was a “good person”, it wasn’t like I sold my self or my body for drugs, only real crack heads do that, so I must be in a different class. Those are the lies of the enemy, because once you are addicted to drugs, you have no mind, you have no real thoughts, you have the need for drugs.

It is completely by the Grace of God that I have life and Im able to write about it. I have looked back at my life and I can count the times I have stared death in the face, and I survived. I convinced that God gave me life for a purpose, to be someone and something great in life. If that were not true, I would be dead. I was not born to be addicted to drugs, I was not born to die of cancer, I was not born to die in a drowning, I was not born to die in a car accident, I was born to bring Glory and Praise to the Name of Jesus Christ!

So there I was, smoking meth out of my crack pipe at 3am, and suddenly I lost all control, I did to much. My heart beat is fast, because thats what meth does, it causes your heart to race, your pupils to dilate. I could clean my whole house in 2hrs and you could literally eat off the floor. I could stay up for 4 days at a time and lose track of life as it passed you bye. Meth is a death sentence, and eventually you or it wins. Feeling like my heart was going to pop out of my chest, I began to panic. I could feel the life slipping away from me, with every breath I took, my heart would beat faster and every heart beat hurt more and more. I could feel my face turning cold and my lips began to quiver. This was it, I was dying of an overdose. I didn’t have the strength to move, I was stuck in my bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for my life to end. I was so ashamed i didn’t even think to pray, I told myself I had done this to myself and I didn’t have the right to ask God for forgiveness. I wasted my life, maybe at one time I was a good person, destined to be a mighty woman for God, but that was all gone.

I laid there in that bed for 2 hours, and every breath kept getting fainter and fainter, this was it, no one was going to rescue me or find me, I was all alone. I began to cry, because in my last moments of life I was not surrounded by loving family, but I was alone, just me and my crack pipe. I thought about my dreams that I once had, the desires and hopes that once lived inside of me. I thought about the husband I was never going to marry, the children I would never bare, the multitudes I would never see come to God, my sisters and brothers I would never see again. I was a complete let down, I ruined my life.

I tried to reach for the phone, but I could’t find it, I reached under a pillow grasping for breath, hoping one last time for the phone to be there so I could call for help. I didn’t find the phone, but I found a bible. I often used to wonder how that bible got there, because I spent a lot of time in that room, and I had never seen that bible before. Im convinced it was God. I opened up the bible and I started to read in Psalms 142, “I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way. In the path where I walk men have hidden a snare for me. Look to my right and see; no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge; no one cares for my life. I cry to you, O Lord; I say, “You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.” Listen to my cry, or I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me. Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name. Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me.”

I fell asleep reading those passages of scriptures, I was so afraid to close my eyes, not knowing if I would open them again. You see my life was like a crop, there was no soil, only dry and hard dust. I was walking around with dryness in the throat and mouth, seeking refuge and quenching of this raspy staggered breathing we call life in all the wrong things, and I had to get to this place, rock bottom, to death in order to realize and know just how important my life is. When I woke up 2 days later, sick as a dog, I fell to my knees and I began to pray. Being given life is like a new birth, your fresh and new, learning to walk and never knowing where the walk goes, but being led with full and complete trust! I follow Christ everyday, seeking and wanting more of him like never before. I don’t always know where the Lord is leading me, but I know that its only to a place of his will. I don’t know how to lead my own life, I lead it once to destruction and death, and I never want to go to that place again.

So I say to your mothers and fathers who maybe have a child who is struggling with an addiction, never give up hope. Never stop praying and never stop believing that they can be healed and restored to the person you know God has bore them to be. My parents never knew about my addiction, but my ultimate Father did. It was the prayer of my grandparents, and my Godmother, my Pastors and best friend that cause the hand of God to move. Our life is not our own, we don’t have the last word or the right to lay down and die unless the Lord says it is time.

But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.”

John 3:21

My Love for Writing

Hello All,

I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one reading my stuff..lol. I'm a little shy when it comes to sharing the things I write, they are intimate things that I think in my mind and put on paper. Ive never really struggled to be a writer, it kind of just always came natural. I used my writing as a form of therapy, it was introduced to me by my 7Th grade teacher, Mrs. Jones. My parents where Going through a divorce at the time and she saw I was struggling with my emotions, so she suggested I write. She said to me "Tina hunny if you wont talk to me, or God talk to the paper, it doesn't answer back or judge, it just listens". And that was true, the paper didn't talk back..but after a while I realized that having one way conversations with paper didn't heal anything..It was in the conversations I had with God, and wrote about them after than made me a good writer. You see putting your thoughts down isn't the battle, its putting the things God says, just the way he says them that is more difficult. You don't want to miss one word, put in your own words or misinterpret the words, because they are no longer from him. So I say to you, the reader and the writer, seek him all the time, and in his presence, there is no way your writings will fault er, they will always be good. :)

God Bless,

Tina Fernandez

Poetry

*Angel Eyes*

There was a child I once knew
She went away for a time
then shown to me she was grown
Words are hard to find
but to you the blinded
I will try to describe
She holds much worth
in the locks of her hair
Honor and beauty
in the stature she bares
Mamita bonita
she has grown to be
Respected with much power
is what I have come to see.
Skin so beautiful white as snow
she is my angel, my little cousin
Nicole.

*Only You*

I feared to love you
like ones need for their heart to beat.
I never imagined a love so perfect,
a love so complete.
Your presence is nurturing solitude
I've found in an unexpected place..
It is clearly shown in the sadness
my eyes express,
when I've longed to see your face.
You discovered a love within me,
no one was meant to find.
I still cant believe
I found a love that is honest,
truthful and kind.
You've sprung life
where it did not spring
and for that your always
connected to me.

*Did you Know*

They say grass is greener on the other side
Is this true or is it a lie?
I've been on a journey far and wide
looking for a comfort closet to sit and hide.
I've lived the life many don't care to see
but soon Ill be off to live life
happy and free.
All I wanted was to be loved
kissed a little and maybe be hugged.
I never asked for very much
just wanted to feel your comforting touch
No matter how I said I hated you
I lied, cause loving you is all I ever knew.
All I wanted was for you to be there for me
Watch me grow into the person you always wished you could be.
No matter how long I stare into the light
I wont ever forget how you simply
slipped away from me deep into the night.

*My love is*

What you mean to me

There are no words to speak.

You made me realize
the person I want to be.
Its been so long since someone has
made me think,
about the love I have to give.
My love is tender, My love is sweet,
My love is real, My love is power only you can feel.
My love is honest, My love is true,
My love is endless and its all
for you.

*Memories*

Memories are stories in your heart
no one can make you or force you to part.
They are your thoughts
your doings
they are you.
Memories are gifts, from your inner self.
They are the true you,
the you
yourself have not found.
Confused and misled?
Yes they can lead.
Memories never die,
they live
they dwell in the place
no woman, man or child can derive.
Memory, yes you are,
but forget you never I will not,
for you are not reality anymore
you are a memory.

*I miss you always*

Look to the stars
you always used to say,
and faithfully I've looked everyday.
I miss you like
you would not believe
sometimes you not being here
is hard to conceive.
I cant understand why you don't
call or write,
mom swears if you do
she doesn't want to fight.
Even though your still not here
not seeing you again is what I fear.
I'm still proud to be your first born
yet the child that lives inside me will forever morn
for the only man I've ever loved
my father, my hero, you dad,
Cruz Carrillo.

*Love Hurts*

Pain and heart break its all the same
it comes to you unexpected,
it has no shame.
But bitter we should not be
because to have felt heart break
is to have lived; at least for me.
Remember its warmth on a cold day
or how it shined on your beautiful face
in the middle of may.
Hope for a new love to find
to bring ease and comfort to your
lonely unspoken mind.
Heart break is not always bad,
to have never felt love so
pure, so sweet, so comforting
is whats truly sad.

Healing:One day at a Time

I feel my knees shaking as the blood runs down my legs, my breath is faint, I feel as though I'm slipping away, and suddenly the lights go dark. I wake up to my husband crying and screaming for help, and my heart breaks even more. Its been 12 days of excruciating pain and bleeding, and I cannot take it any longer, I'm not strong enough. So I let go, I stop fighting my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my loss, and I ask the Lord, "why Father, why me"? This is the third time I have been in the hospital, and I'm tired of being here, I'm tired of being told there is nothing wrong with me, when there is. My body feels like it's breaking down more and more everyday, and the only thing I feel that keeps me strong is the smile on my daughters face, and the love that my husband expresses when he holds me in his arms. To feel the loss of a child is one of the hardest things a woman has to go through, especially when you have been praying and pleading to the Lord for the blessing of another life. I ask myself, "Lord why do I feel as though your not here, have I let you down, have I sinned against you Father"? These thoughts are temporary and I begin to rebuke those thoughts, and I quickly run under the covering of my Father, because his yoke is easy and his burden is light.

I'm not new to being a believer, I have known Jesus my whole life, and there were moments in my life where I was so close to him I thought I would never part from him, but I did. In my teenage years I had fallen far from the graces of God, and hidden in things I pray my child will never have to struggle with. There is significance in my child's life, not only because she is a miracle, but because her life brought me back to the Lord. When I was seven months pregnant I had so many complications and was dealing with life threatening illnesses, that I sometimes felt her life would be lost. I fell to my knees one night and I asked God, "Father, forgive me for my sins, I've ran from your words and your will for my life but I ask you today, right now, spare the life of my child. Don't let her die, I know I don't deserve your grace or your healing, but she, she is perfect. You knit her in my womb and you know the destiny that awaits her, take every argument and every curse. I believe Father your are the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, your words and power are true, and I ask Father if this is my last request, if I should lose my life, that she should keep hers." You see all it takes is a moment of true repentance, and ask the Lord for forgiveness, and his love for us is so deep, that he is always willing. The next day my brother asked me to join him at church, and I knew this was the calling of the Lord and if I did not answer, I would surely lose my life, and that of my child. Anissa Christina turned 2 years old on May 30Th, and everyday as I look at her beautiful face, and listen to her joyous laughter, I see God. I remember his promise, I remember what he did for me, and for that I can never turn my back on him again.

I do not believe that losing a child is something that happens out of disobedience, or happens because you did something wrong. It has taken a lot of time in the presence of the Lord to come to that conclusion, because there have been many days these past weeks where I didn't feel my thoughts and feelings were in order. When you have a miscarriage, you wonder what happened and what you could have done to save the life growing inside of you. Fact of the matter is, Christ did save the life of my child. My Father makes no mistake when asked for the blessing of a son, when you pray and give offerings for the son you wish to have, he returns your request with the best! The word in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, "praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." I have not lost a child but I have given birth to a testimony that will be used to comfort women who have gone through the things I can relate to. I know the feeling of loss, I know the feeling of not knowing why and hating myself for not being able to save my child. It is in these thoughts and in these emotions that I have been set free from the enemy and his lies! I stopped listening to the negative and the deadly voice we call mourning, and I have been given life from my Father.

It was in this time of sorrow, anger and pain that I needed to stop everything I was doing, and just be still. No more going to school, work, church, cell, store, anywhere. Just complete and sweet silence, in the presence of my God and letting him love me the way not even my child or husband could give. It was in his arms that I found the strength to move on and begin to heal, to realize that he needed this time to speak to me and prepare me for the promise he had given me many years ago. I have rested in the Lord, and I have been at the foot of the cross not speaking or pleading, but just listening. His voice is peace, comfort, healing and love and he is your only hope when there is nothing left. His desire is for us to have a heart that can be open, no matter what the circumstance, no matter what the pain. My amazing Pastor and leader once told me that an open heart is going to be broken, but its when the heart is submit to the Father and we give him our heartbreak quickly, that we heal correctly in him. When we heal correctly and know the purpose for our life through Christ, there is no stopping us. This is a process and I don't have all the answers, but I know who does, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I'm still at home on bed rest, and there are days when I feel stronger than others, but my spirit is strong! In this situation the Lord has shown me many things and blessed me with the true revelation of who he is. His love and truth has ignited a fire inside of me, and in order to keep that fire burning I have to stay in his presence every single day. I've realize that life is not promised and every day we get closer and closer to seeing the return of our Messiah. I don't have time to take steps back, I have to keep working and winning in order to move closer to my place in his kingdom. The Lord showed me this scripture a few days ago and it reads in Luke 4:18-19, "The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, Because he has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor, He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To preach deliverance to the captives, And recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed, To preach the acceptable year of the Lord." I believe that every year, month, day, hour, second is the year of the Lord. With a new mind, heart, vision, words, action and purposed we can save the nations! To live a life for Christ, and to win is for the Glory of God" and not the Glory of Men!

One day at a time is my new motto, listening and wanting the true purpose of God in our lives can heal any heart break. It makes us stronger and builds that armor we need to battle, to fight for the lost, for our families, for our children, for ourselves.

In the mist of the storm, look to the one who gives you rest. For His love is sovereign and his kisses are sweet.

A year of Correction

A Year of Correction
by Tina Fernandez

“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live,
but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh
I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”
Galatians 2: 20(NKJV)

As a child growing up I was told by my grandmother that faith is a part of your
being, just as you breathe, think and move, you must have faith. I think back to all the
conversations that I have shared with her and they always ended with, “Have faith and
trust in the Lord our God.” And yet I struggled most of my life with the concept of
having real faith and trust, not only God, but people in general.

2009 started out with promise, expectation and excitement, not only for me but
for my family as well. We made goals, had dreams, believed for miracles and expected
God to show up and show off, and that He did. In the first months of 2009 it was going
awesome and then suddenly the economy began to change. Our co-workers started
being laid off, some forced into retirement, and some being let go period. Family
members lost homes, marriages fell apart and spiritually strong relatives fell. My
husband and I felt as if we were standing outside the box looking in.

I heard a pastor preach about having faith beyond what the eye could see, and
many times I found myself not being able to see past my eyelashes. What faith? What
trust? I speak life, declare life, I believe life and yet I’m slowly dying inside with fear of
losing my job or my husband losing his. Only correction or destruction can come from
that kind of thinking. So I chose correction. One morning in my devotional time I
began to cry uncontrollably and I didn’t know why. I was thinking to myself “Tina, what
is wrong with you stop crying,” and the crying became more hysterical, finally, I gave in.
I broke down. God spoke to me in that moment and said “I can only move and bless you
where you allow me to be in your life. You build walls if you don’t allow me into the
secret places, and will live in fear, and I never dwell where fear is present.”

Talk about a reality check. It was true though, my fear was drawing me away
from God and he was only going to call me back one time, I dare not expect him to call
me back again. Every person has something they struggle with, for some it may be
drugs, alcohol, lying, stealing, mine has been faith and trust. Until this year I have held
up walls as high as mountains and as thick as dams, but with correction and guidance
from an amazing leader and awesome teachings from my pastors, I have learned to have
faith and trust through God.

2009 has been a year of correction and growth, a year of shed tears, some good
and bad. But all in all I would say that through the tough times, I have never been
without anything I need to live. I’ve been able to pay off debt and bless people along the
way in times of need. Our financial situation, says it’s impossible, Gods financial
situation says I can do more. When people were losing their jobs, I got a raise and was
offered two promotions! I’ve watched families be restored and wayward children come
home, when there was no home to come to. I went through school of leaders II,
“whoohoo!” I’ve sat forty-eight hours in a hospital room with my grandmother on her
death bed, praying all night, believing God could heal her from total heart and kidney
failure, and He did! My husband and I have enjoyed watching our daughter grow into a
beautiful, joyous and bright light, little girl. Nothing beats that.

2010 is going to be an amazing year for my family, friends, congregation and
disciples! I can’t wait to ring in the New Year with the people I love and care about. This
is just the beginning!

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the
new has come!”
2Corinthians 5:17