PHENOMENAL WOMAN

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing of my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them,

They say they still can't see.

I say

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

The palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

from And Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

Redemption

Lately I’ve been reading all the things that I have written in my journal over the years, and everything that ever comes back to me is, wow..How amazing the Love of Jesus is. I can read back to some things and truly feel in the words that I'm reading that I had to be in such a state of misery that it always had to be the Love and Redemption of Jesus that got me through it. I looked up the word redemption and there were many definitions, but the one that stood out to me the most was the definition that read; repurchase, as of something sold. I thought to myself in that moment, God how many times have I been sold to this world and the things in it? How many times have I allowed my heart, mind, thoughts and actions to be sold at such a cheap price, I'm not sure I even sold it, I just handed myself over. How many times have we promised not to be let go at bargain prices and yet there we are a few days, even hours later on sale for pennies? I asked God, how could I do that and not get tired of the life of slavery?

Imagine your sin was on trial, and you the person, along with your sin were put up for sale to a buyer who redeemed your sins. You stand there on trial, ashamed and full of regret but the only way to rid you self of such shame is to be bought for a price that you had no control over. You pray and hope the person who is buying you, purchases you for a price you can work off, and eventually be free from, no longer having to have this scarlet letter making you a target of ridicule and shame. Your not sold for a cheap price, your not sold to a kind redeemer, and you have to work your sin off, adding price to your wage of shelter and food. You work days and years never being being able to work enough for your sin to be forgiven and being to old to care if your redeemed or not. That is such a sad way to live, and such a sad way to die.

I'm so grateful that I know the love of Jesus, that I know he paid the ultimate price for my sin and I can be redeemed without being a slave to my sin or my shame. The Blood Jesus shed on the Cross cost so much, that there is no number great enough to set a price. The Blood of Jesus is like Gold, it is always in demand, never loses its value and people will do anything to get there hands on it. And yet, there are people who walk around in this world not knowing that the Blood of Jesus doesn't have to cost them a thing. Its free, its for everyone, and you never have to be put on trial or put to shame to obtain it. God gave his One and only Son to die for our sins, and its so amazing just to think about it. Overwhelming is the word really.

Redemption from sin is the ultimate act of Love I can think of. I know the Lord has given me love, grace, health, finances, joy, happiness, life, my child, my husband but all those things mean nothing without the redemption of my sins. Non of those things can be enjoyed or lived for without knowing that at the end of the day, no matter how hard we try, and sometimes we fail, its OK. We can go to the Father and ask for the forgiveness of our sins, receiving redemption and living another day of life knowing our Father loves us and is for us, ready to set us free.

Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land.

2 Chronicles 7:14

Mighty and Worthy Me

Mighty and Worthy Me

By Tina Fernandez

Tears fall down my face, tears I’ve felt fall for years.

I’m filled with sorrow I can’t figure out

I miss my life, the life I felt you gave me to live

People and their choices determined who I’d be,

But God is this who I’m supposed to be?

I don’t want to hurt anymore; I don’t want to feel this pain

I just want to be normal, have my own thoughts

I want to be sane

I hide my face behind this crack pipe

I hide all emotions and just flow away

Into a deep thought of disarray

Where pain doesn’t exist, where hurt has no place

I tell myself this is my life,

This is all I’ll ever be, just me and my

Crack pipe, the only thing that loves me.

Suddenly a hand from above

Reaches out to save me,

I’m afraid, I don’t know different

This has been my life, nothing but tragedy

With every gentle touch, I feel the scars and hurts flow away

My once ugly and dirty spirit suddenly feels clean and just,

I feel like me.

I may know only a few things,

But what I do know is I’ve been saved and touched

By the hand of God.

No my crying, not more tears, no more nightmares

No more fears.

I walk in mighty peace because that’s whats inside of me

Beautiful and worthy

That’s who I am supposed to be.

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Colossians 1:13-14

I started writing the poem Mighty and Worthy Me almost 7 years ago, never really having the words to properly end it, I saved it knowing one day the Lord would give me the words. Today, I have been clean and sober for 5 years and I have to say that being sober and saved is such an awesome feeling, that words literally cant express what Im feeling. Only words of gratitude and gratefulness come to mind when I think of the things I’ve been through. Gods grace is beyond our reach, and yet it always finds its way to us, saving us from ourselves and the things we let ourselves be held captive to.

Drugs have always been something that has been in my family, whether it was an uncle who did them, or an uncle who was a drug dealer, I’ve known about them for a long time. I feared them most of my life, knowing that they kill and destroy the lives of those you love, and yet this wasn’t enough to keep me from doing them when I turned 19. I was just out of high school, I had just lost a softball scholarship, and broken up with the one I thought I was meant to be with for the rest of my life, life was tough. All it took was one time, and it was true, just like the books and lectures say, you get hooked. I found myself in a depth of darkness no one but the Grace of God could save me from.

I spent all my time plotting and thinking of things I could sell or steal from my family to get the fix I needed. For almost 3 months I lived in a dark room, surrounded by the only thing that I felt gave me life, Meth. My family had no idea I was struggling with these vices, because I was living alone in our Arizona home, while my parents worked in here in Salinas. Many times my parents would call home, and if the phone wasn’t disconnected, they would send an uncle to check on me. Funny thing is that uncle was the one who got me addicted to drugs. I used to justify my addiction because I was a “good person”, it wasn’t like I sold my self or my body for drugs, only real crack heads do that, so I must be in a different class. Those are the lies of the enemy, because once you are addicted to drugs, you have no mind, you have no real thoughts, you have the need for drugs.

It is completely by the Grace of God that I have life and Im able to write about it. I have looked back at my life and I can count the times I have stared death in the face, and I survived. I convinced that God gave me life for a purpose, to be someone and something great in life. If that were not true, I would be dead. I was not born to be addicted to drugs, I was not born to die of cancer, I was not born to die in a drowning, I was not born to die in a car accident, I was born to bring Glory and Praise to the Name of Jesus Christ!

So there I was, smoking meth out of my crack pipe at 3am, and suddenly I lost all control, I did to much. My heart beat is fast, because thats what meth does, it causes your heart to race, your pupils to dilate. I could clean my whole house in 2hrs and you could literally eat off the floor. I could stay up for 4 days at a time and lose track of life as it passed you bye. Meth is a death sentence, and eventually you or it wins. Feeling like my heart was going to pop out of my chest, I began to panic. I could feel the life slipping away from me, with every breath I took, my heart would beat faster and every heart beat hurt more and more. I could feel my face turning cold and my lips began to quiver. This was it, I was dying of an overdose. I didn’t have the strength to move, I was stuck in my bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for my life to end. I was so ashamed i didn’t even think to pray, I told myself I had done this to myself and I didn’t have the right to ask God for forgiveness. I wasted my life, maybe at one time I was a good person, destined to be a mighty woman for God, but that was all gone.

I laid there in that bed for 2 hours, and every breath kept getting fainter and fainter, this was it, no one was going to rescue me or find me, I was all alone. I began to cry, because in my last moments of life I was not surrounded by loving family, but I was alone, just me and my crack pipe. I thought about my dreams that I once had, the desires and hopes that once lived inside of me. I thought about the husband I was never going to marry, the children I would never bare, the multitudes I would never see come to God, my sisters and brothers I would never see again. I was a complete let down, I ruined my life.

I tried to reach for the phone, but I could’t find it, I reached under a pillow grasping for breath, hoping one last time for the phone to be there so I could call for help. I didn’t find the phone, but I found a bible. I often used to wonder how that bible got there, because I spent a lot of time in that room, and I had never seen that bible before. Im convinced it was God. I opened up the bible and I started to read in Psalms 142, “I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way. In the path where I walk men have hidden a snare for me. Look to my right and see; no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge; no one cares for my life. I cry to you, O Lord; I say, “You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.” Listen to my cry, or I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me. Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name. Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me.”

I fell asleep reading those passages of scriptures, I was so afraid to close my eyes, not knowing if I would open them again. You see my life was like a crop, there was no soil, only dry and hard dust. I was walking around with dryness in the throat and mouth, seeking refuge and quenching of this raspy staggered breathing we call life in all the wrong things, and I had to get to this place, rock bottom, to death in order to realize and know just how important my life is. When I woke up 2 days later, sick as a dog, I fell to my knees and I began to pray. Being given life is like a new birth, your fresh and new, learning to walk and never knowing where the walk goes, but being led with full and complete trust! I follow Christ everyday, seeking and wanting more of him like never before. I don’t always know where the Lord is leading me, but I know that its only to a place of his will. I don’t know how to lead my own life, I lead it once to destruction and death, and I never want to go to that place again.

So I say to your mothers and fathers who maybe have a child who is struggling with an addiction, never give up hope. Never stop praying and never stop believing that they can be healed and restored to the person you know God has bore them to be. My parents never knew about my addiction, but my ultimate Father did. It was the prayer of my grandparents, and my Godmother, my Pastors and best friend that cause the hand of God to move. Our life is not our own, we don’t have the last word or the right to lay down and die unless the Lord says it is time.

But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.”

John 3:21

My Love for Writing

Hello All,

I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one reading my stuff..lol. I'm a little shy when it comes to sharing the things I write, they are intimate things that I think in my mind and put on paper. Ive never really struggled to be a writer, it kind of just always came natural. I used my writing as a form of therapy, it was introduced to me by my 7Th grade teacher, Mrs. Jones. My parents where Going through a divorce at the time and she saw I was struggling with my emotions, so she suggested I write. She said to me "Tina hunny if you wont talk to me, or God talk to the paper, it doesn't answer back or judge, it just listens". And that was true, the paper didn't talk back..but after a while I realized that having one way conversations with paper didn't heal anything..It was in the conversations I had with God, and wrote about them after than made me a good writer. You see putting your thoughts down isn't the battle, its putting the things God says, just the way he says them that is more difficult. You don't want to miss one word, put in your own words or misinterpret the words, because they are no longer from him. So I say to you, the reader and the writer, seek him all the time, and in his presence, there is no way your writings will fault er, they will always be good. :)

God Bless,

Tina Fernandez

Poetry

*Angel Eyes*

There was a child I once knew
She went away for a time
then shown to me she was grown
Words are hard to find
but to you the blinded
I will try to describe
She holds much worth
in the locks of her hair
Honor and beauty
in the stature she bares
Mamita bonita
she has grown to be
Respected with much power
is what I have come to see.
Skin so beautiful white as snow
she is my angel, my little cousin
Nicole.

*Only You*

I feared to love you
like ones need for their heart to beat.
I never imagined a love so perfect,
a love so complete.
Your presence is nurturing solitude
I've found in an unexpected place..
It is clearly shown in the sadness
my eyes express,
when I've longed to see your face.
You discovered a love within me,
no one was meant to find.
I still cant believe
I found a love that is honest,
truthful and kind.
You've sprung life
where it did not spring
and for that your always
connected to me.

*Did you Know*

They say grass is greener on the other side
Is this true or is it a lie?
I've been on a journey far and wide
looking for a comfort closet to sit and hide.
I've lived the life many don't care to see
but soon Ill be off to live life
happy and free.
All I wanted was to be loved
kissed a little and maybe be hugged.
I never asked for very much
just wanted to feel your comforting touch
No matter how I said I hated you
I lied, cause loving you is all I ever knew.
All I wanted was for you to be there for me
Watch me grow into the person you always wished you could be.
No matter how long I stare into the light
I wont ever forget how you simply
slipped away from me deep into the night.

*My love is*

What you mean to me

There are no words to speak.

You made me realize
the person I want to be.
Its been so long since someone has
made me think,
about the love I have to give.
My love is tender, My love is sweet,
My love is real, My love is power only you can feel.
My love is honest, My love is true,
My love is endless and its all
for you.

*Memories*

Memories are stories in your heart
no one can make you or force you to part.
They are your thoughts
your doings
they are you.
Memories are gifts, from your inner self.
They are the true you,
the you
yourself have not found.
Confused and misled?
Yes they can lead.
Memories never die,
they live
they dwell in the place
no woman, man or child can derive.
Memory, yes you are,
but forget you never I will not,
for you are not reality anymore
you are a memory.

*I miss you always*

Look to the stars
you always used to say,
and faithfully I've looked everyday.
I miss you like
you would not believe
sometimes you not being here
is hard to conceive.
I cant understand why you don't
call or write,
mom swears if you do
she doesn't want to fight.
Even though your still not here
not seeing you again is what I fear.
I'm still proud to be your first born
yet the child that lives inside me will forever morn
for the only man I've ever loved
my father, my hero, you dad,
Cruz Carrillo.

*Love Hurts*

Pain and heart break its all the same
it comes to you unexpected,
it has no shame.
But bitter we should not be
because to have felt heart break
is to have lived; at least for me.
Remember its warmth on a cold day
or how it shined on your beautiful face
in the middle of may.
Hope for a new love to find
to bring ease and comfort to your
lonely unspoken mind.
Heart break is not always bad,
to have never felt love so
pure, so sweet, so comforting
is whats truly sad.