Healing the Heart of a Daughter

Its almost 8am and I'm laying awake just staring at the sealing, waiting for my little one to wake up and take this feeling of anger away. I have been dreading this day since last year, and I couldn’t help but to be angry, even if it was a day of celebration. I could only think of what my father was doing today and I wondered if he was even thinking of me as he hugged and kisses his other children. There was a time in my life when Father's day, along with Valentines Day were my favorite holidays, but now they were just painful reminders of the life I had as a child and they joys they once brought to my life. Every Father's day I would write my daddy a letter, and I would tell him how much I loved him, and how much he meant to me. I would be sure to say I was sorry for the bad things I had done and explain to him that I was coming clean because I couldn’t bare the thought of him being angry with me. Every letter would be signed with “Love your Oldest Daughter, Cecilia Carrillo”, and I would borrow moms lips stick and kiss my letter to him. I'm pretty sure non of those letters survived the divorce. 

Along with the divorce, our relationship didn’t last either. The closer he got to his new wife, the further away his relationship with me got. When he and his wife welcomed their first child together, a girl, I no longer felt the honor of being the first born, but the first forgotten. I carried all of this in my heart and I would cry out to the Lord for healing, and salvation from my own torment. I could no longer carry this hurt and devastating feeling of being unwanted and unloved, it was making me bitter. 

I prayed that morning, and I cried, and I held my hand close to my heart, because no matter how much I cried, the heart ache wouldn’t go away, it would hurt more. I didn't know if this hurt was the hurt I felt because I missed my father and I wanted to know why he didn't love me back, or because God knew exactly what I was feeling and his heart was breaking right along with mine. 

I got my baby dressed, tied my husbands shoes laces, fixed my hair and headed out to church. The whole way it was silent and there was no life in me, just despair and pain. Worship wasn't worship to me, just anger spewing into a horrible attitude and ugly faces. Sitting next to my husband and holding his hand wasn’t an honor, it was painful reminder of Father's day service and how I used to sit next to daddy and hold his hand. I had read a tweet before service that my pastor had put out and it read “Love your Father this Day. Sometimes you have to take a long slow look at your dad and realize that he's just doing the best he can. Truly.” I thought about that as pastor gave an amazing, life changing word to the men in our church. The word was so life changing that Im still not sure if the message was for the men, or for the women who stand next to their men. What I did know, was that I walked out of service that day and I was free. I didn't have to be angry, I didn't have to carry this expectation from my father, but I had to simply know he was doing the best he could. I had to forgive him. You see its not an understatement when those closest to you teach you that forgiveness isn't for the other person, but it is for you. Instead of celebrating my husband and the wonderful father he is to our child, I was being miserable for the lack of my biological father in my own life. It would have been nice to call my father that day and tell him how much I loved him, but he never answered me that day. I only left a message and I said, “I forgive you, I love you, Happy Father's day daddy.” 

The word says in Malachi 4:6 “He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; and the Lord did that this day. The Lord never lets his children suffer in pain, and when he speaks the word and says enough, its enough. Are things perfect between my father and I? No, but they can be. If I can learn and let myself love God, my ultimate Father, I can forgive and build a relationship with my earthly Father. I was hindering Gods place in my heart by not allowing him in to the depths of my pain. I cut him off the day I cut my earthly father off. I only let him in so far, and I would say no more, not here, you cant have this part of me. Everything changed for the better, I speak to my father on a regular basis, without anger, but with love and a yearning to know who he is. Its the same with God, I go to him with love and with truth, not hiding or cutting him off from any part of my life. Yet, I let him in with a yearning to help me though every day, waiting for him to Love me, as only a Father can, unconditionally. 

What Makes a Father?

God took the strength of a mountain,

The majesty of a tree,

The warmth of a summer sun,

The calm of a quiet sea,

The generous soul of nature,

The comforting arm of night,

The wisdom of the ages,

The power of the eagle’s flight,

The joy of a morning in spring,

The faith of a mustard seed,

The patience of eternity,

The depth of a family need,

Then God combined these qualities,

When there was nothing more to add,

He knew His masterpiece was complete,

and so,

He called it … Dad

"Know me More"...-God

Sometimes in our lives we go through storms called life. Some storms are bearable and when we get through them we feel strong. Lately, I have been going through storms that seem like they never end. Or they feel like storms I have been through before, and I wonder "why I'm back in the same place"? Truth be told, we are never out of, or conquer a storm, until the Lord has said we have conquered. Humans are very perceptive people; we perceive what we think is coming next and we go against that. However that decision is most likely a wrong decision because its human perception and not God. When we muster enough strength to say we are done with this storm, we put a rinky dink pair of wipers on and take the next exit out, we fail. Storms are there for purpose, a purpose that we can never understand until we ride it out to the end, and see Gods magnificent glory shine.


It has been my personal experience that cheating my way out of a storm seems easier than to endure it. When God begins to cut on me and trim away excess that isn't needed in my life, I feel like I have endured to much and I take the cowardly way out. I put on this self righteous mind set that I don't deserve this, because I've had a life full of hurts and pains. When in reality, as horrible as some things in my life have been, people have gone through worse. The biggest threat and lie the enemy places inside of us in that "victim mentality" that kills every part of our destiny. The victim mentality gives us power in our own selves that only we can see. It is a lie and an illusion that we are untouchable, because we are victims and we deserve to stay in our own mess. 


Today I spend sometime with the Lord, not asking for blessings and prosperity, but for forgiveness. I asked the Lord to take away His blessings from my life, and only give me forgiveness. That was wrong, it impossible to take the Lords blessings from your life. Your life is a blessing in itself, therefore I would be asking the Lord to take my own life. Sometimes it feels like it would be better to leave with the Lords love and Forgiveness, than to mess up again. Only that is not why we were born, its easy, its a cop out- to ask for the Lord to take your life before you have even began to live. As a Christian who grows daily, it is my job to heed the instruction of the Lord. To listen to His voice, not to run from it. Sometimes the Lord allows storms so that we can get to know Him more. So that we can learn to grow and be examples of His love and mercy manifesting in our lives.


It is time for our generation to rise up and take our place. We are so close to seeing his Glory, that the closer we get the harder the enemy tries to destroy us. We must become warriors who never waiver and never back down when the fight is coming down to death. We have to be a people that seek and want nothing but the life and the love of the One who gave us ability to feel such things. Seek out the God of all comfort, the God of all creation. The One and Only true God. The God who loves us more than we can possibly understand. 


Get to know Him more, and ask Him to destroy every distortion of who He is in our lives. Take the first step in getting to know Him like He is. Magnificent, Loving, Caring, Patient, Kind, Forgiving, Just, Fair, Everything good and nothing bad. Lay your life down to know Him more, to belong to Him and only Him. He is waiting for you.

"(...."Take hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands, and you will live. Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or turn away from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is this: Gett wisdom. Though it cost all you have,t get understanding. Cherish her, and she will exalt you; embrace her, and she will honor you. She will give you a garland to grace your head and present you with a glorious crown." Listen, my son, accept what I say, and the years of your life will be many. I instruct you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble. Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life. Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evildoers.- Proverbs 4:4-13

Anissa Christina

Big brown eyes, Long shiny hair

Smile so big, warms my heart

Guerita bonita, My little Angelita

Anissa.

I wake up everyday

and I thank God for you

Its amazing what Prayer and Faith can do

Your my miracle,

the one who wasn’t supposed to come

the one who never would be,

And yet here you are with me

Always bringing Joy, Laughter and Happiness

a mi Vida.

I wish I could spend every single day

every single second of the day with you,

I never wanna miss anything you do or say

just wanna sit back and watch you play.

Your smile is like the sun so bright

you bring me out of darkness and into the light

Your my buddy, my little home-girl

we stay like elastic, real tight

spend all day and all night

tickling each other and play fight.

Your kisses are like candy

Sticky and sweet,

I live for those moments

when you tackle and kiss me.

I love hearing the pitter patter of your

precious little feet-

I love how you reach out for my hand,

and hold it close to your heart

while you fall asleep.

Your my sunshine after the rain,

your my medicine

your life takes away all the pain

I am a lioness and you are my cub,

never will you be hurt or ever feel harm.

Your life has Destiny

You were born for an amazing Purpose

I speak life over you Daughter

Walk and know who You were born to be

You were born for Greatness and that

is just what You will be!

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year! Wow, if your wondering where time went and how did it suddenly become 2011, you are not alone. 2010 went by fast, and it was a year of growth and of healing for me and for my family. It was a year where I chose to think that things happened for me and not to me, where I am so completely in love with Christ, I knew nothing was for nothing, but for everything! 2010 was also a year for achieving goals and putting faith into practice every single day and not just on days when I was needing faith to get me through the day. We rob God sometimes of his grace and power when we get into a slump and feel like giving up, but I thank God every single day for my husband, friends and my Pastors for always encouraging me to fight and keep going forward no matter what the cost. I don’t want to dwell on 2010 but I want to take the things that I learned and put them into use for 2011- I think sometimes people get stuck on the past and when a new year comes, they take the past into the future and thats not what we should do. Taking baggage with you makes you heavy and it hinders your from traveling further into the success and accomplishments God has in store for you. Gods word says “Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.” Lamentations 3:21-23. You see God meant for us to keep our Faith in him every single day of our lives, to look forward to his love and mercy, because he is so overwhelming, every single day and not just at the beginning of the year.

The New year starts off with a word from our Pastor- It sets the tone for the whole year and we use that word to keep us going, to motivate us, inspire us, to drive us towards victory! The word for 2011 is “ A new beginning, believe God is going to do something new in your life and have Faith”.

So how do we walk in victory throughout the whole year and not just the first month? lol. Well its simple- Surround yourself with someone who is going to hold you accountable for your goals, and someone who can genuinely motivate you when you want to give up. There are times we share our goals with others and they have the good intention of helping you stay on track, but sometimes they fall off track, taking you with them. Keep your eye on the prize, focus and take your goal to the Lord daily, he is working on your behalf, hearing your goals, and making them happen! Quitting is not an option, you are not a quitter, and if you are, well then stop stopping, keep going! We all have bad days, but I call these days of opportunity, what can we learn from the day? Where did it go wrong? and how do I fix it? Perseverance is the key to everything, perseverance is the ability to stay on course no matter the circumstance. Also remember there are 365 days in one year and not 36, sometimes people set goals that are obtainable, but they need time in order to achieve them. You cannot lose 60lbs in 4 days, but it is definitely possible in 204 days, give yourself time and God time to show you the correct way of doing things, so they don’t just become dreams with dead ends, but obtainable goals with purpose and testimony behind them.

Once again Happy New Year! New Faith! New Hope! New Dreams! New Goals! New achievements! New Fire! New Anointing! New Us in God! Yes!!!!!!!!!

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing of my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them,

They say they still can't see.

I say

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

The palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

from And Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

Redemption

Lately I’ve been reading all the things that I have written in my journal over the years, and everything that ever comes back to me is, wow..How amazing the Love of Jesus is. I can read back to some things and truly feel in the words that I'm reading that I had to be in such a state of misery that it always had to be the Love and Redemption of Jesus that got me through it. I looked up the word redemption and there were many definitions, but the one that stood out to me the most was the definition that read; repurchase, as of something sold. I thought to myself in that moment, God how many times have I been sold to this world and the things in it? How many times have I allowed my heart, mind, thoughts and actions to be sold at such a cheap price, I'm not sure I even sold it, I just handed myself over. How many times have we promised not to be let go at bargain prices and yet there we are a few days, even hours later on sale for pennies? I asked God, how could I do that and not get tired of the life of slavery?

Imagine your sin was on trial, and you the person, along with your sin were put up for sale to a buyer who redeemed your sins. You stand there on trial, ashamed and full of regret but the only way to rid you self of such shame is to be bought for a price that you had no control over. You pray and hope the person who is buying you, purchases you for a price you can work off, and eventually be free from, no longer having to have this scarlet letter making you a target of ridicule and shame. Your not sold for a cheap price, your not sold to a kind redeemer, and you have to work your sin off, adding price to your wage of shelter and food. You work days and years never being being able to work enough for your sin to be forgiven and being to old to care if your redeemed or not. That is such a sad way to live, and such a sad way to die.

I'm so grateful that I know the love of Jesus, that I know he paid the ultimate price for my sin and I can be redeemed without being a slave to my sin or my shame. The Blood Jesus shed on the Cross cost so much, that there is no number great enough to set a price. The Blood of Jesus is like Gold, it is always in demand, never loses its value and people will do anything to get there hands on it. And yet, there are people who walk around in this world not knowing that the Blood of Jesus doesn't have to cost them a thing. Its free, its for everyone, and you never have to be put on trial or put to shame to obtain it. God gave his One and only Son to die for our sins, and its so amazing just to think about it. Overwhelming is the word really.

Redemption from sin is the ultimate act of Love I can think of. I know the Lord has given me love, grace, health, finances, joy, happiness, life, my child, my husband but all those things mean nothing without the redemption of my sins. Non of those things can be enjoyed or lived for without knowing that at the end of the day, no matter how hard we try, and sometimes we fail, its OK. We can go to the Father and ask for the forgiveness of our sins, receiving redemption and living another day of life knowing our Father loves us and is for us, ready to set us free.

Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land.

2 Chronicles 7:14

Mighty and Worthy Me

Mighty and Worthy Me

By Tina Fernandez

Tears fall down my face, tears I’ve felt fall for years.

I’m filled with sorrow I can’t figure out

I miss my life, the life I felt you gave me to live

People and their choices determined who I’d be,

But God is this who I’m supposed to be?

I don’t want to hurt anymore; I don’t want to feel this pain

I just want to be normal, have my own thoughts

I want to be sane

I hide my face behind this crack pipe

I hide all emotions and just flow away

Into a deep thought of disarray

Where pain doesn’t exist, where hurt has no place

I tell myself this is my life,

This is all I’ll ever be, just me and my

Crack pipe, the only thing that loves me.

Suddenly a hand from above

Reaches out to save me,

I’m afraid, I don’t know different

This has been my life, nothing but tragedy

With every gentle touch, I feel the scars and hurts flow away

My once ugly and dirty spirit suddenly feels clean and just,

I feel like me.

I may know only a few things,

But what I do know is I’ve been saved and touched

By the hand of God.

No my crying, not more tears, no more nightmares

No more fears.

I walk in mighty peace because that’s whats inside of me

Beautiful and worthy

That’s who I am supposed to be.

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Colossians 1:13-14

I started writing the poem Mighty and Worthy Me almost 7 years ago, never really having the words to properly end it, I saved it knowing one day the Lord would give me the words. Today, I have been clean and sober for 5 years and I have to say that being sober and saved is such an awesome feeling, that words literally cant express what Im feeling. Only words of gratitude and gratefulness come to mind when I think of the things I’ve been through. Gods grace is beyond our reach, and yet it always finds its way to us, saving us from ourselves and the things we let ourselves be held captive to.

Drugs have always been something that has been in my family, whether it was an uncle who did them, or an uncle who was a drug dealer, I’ve known about them for a long time. I feared them most of my life, knowing that they kill and destroy the lives of those you love, and yet this wasn’t enough to keep me from doing them when I turned 19. I was just out of high school, I had just lost a softball scholarship, and broken up with the one I thought I was meant to be with for the rest of my life, life was tough. All it took was one time, and it was true, just like the books and lectures say, you get hooked. I found myself in a depth of darkness no one but the Grace of God could save me from.

I spent all my time plotting and thinking of things I could sell or steal from my family to get the fix I needed. For almost 3 months I lived in a dark room, surrounded by the only thing that I felt gave me life, Meth. My family had no idea I was struggling with these vices, because I was living alone in our Arizona home, while my parents worked in here in Salinas. Many times my parents would call home, and if the phone wasn’t disconnected, they would send an uncle to check on me. Funny thing is that uncle was the one who got me addicted to drugs. I used to justify my addiction because I was a “good person”, it wasn’t like I sold my self or my body for drugs, only real crack heads do that, so I must be in a different class. Those are the lies of the enemy, because once you are addicted to drugs, you have no mind, you have no real thoughts, you have the need for drugs.

It is completely by the Grace of God that I have life and Im able to write about it. I have looked back at my life and I can count the times I have stared death in the face, and I survived. I convinced that God gave me life for a purpose, to be someone and something great in life. If that were not true, I would be dead. I was not born to be addicted to drugs, I was not born to die of cancer, I was not born to die in a drowning, I was not born to die in a car accident, I was born to bring Glory and Praise to the Name of Jesus Christ!

So there I was, smoking meth out of my crack pipe at 3am, and suddenly I lost all control, I did to much. My heart beat is fast, because thats what meth does, it causes your heart to race, your pupils to dilate. I could clean my whole house in 2hrs and you could literally eat off the floor. I could stay up for 4 days at a time and lose track of life as it passed you bye. Meth is a death sentence, and eventually you or it wins. Feeling like my heart was going to pop out of my chest, I began to panic. I could feel the life slipping away from me, with every breath I took, my heart would beat faster and every heart beat hurt more and more. I could feel my face turning cold and my lips began to quiver. This was it, I was dying of an overdose. I didn’t have the strength to move, I was stuck in my bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for my life to end. I was so ashamed i didn’t even think to pray, I told myself I had done this to myself and I didn’t have the right to ask God for forgiveness. I wasted my life, maybe at one time I was a good person, destined to be a mighty woman for God, but that was all gone.

I laid there in that bed for 2 hours, and every breath kept getting fainter and fainter, this was it, no one was going to rescue me or find me, I was all alone. I began to cry, because in my last moments of life I was not surrounded by loving family, but I was alone, just me and my crack pipe. I thought about my dreams that I once had, the desires and hopes that once lived inside of me. I thought about the husband I was never going to marry, the children I would never bare, the multitudes I would never see come to God, my sisters and brothers I would never see again. I was a complete let down, I ruined my life.

I tried to reach for the phone, but I could’t find it, I reached under a pillow grasping for breath, hoping one last time for the phone to be there so I could call for help. I didn’t find the phone, but I found a bible. I often used to wonder how that bible got there, because I spent a lot of time in that room, and I had never seen that bible before. Im convinced it was God. I opened up the bible and I started to read in Psalms 142, “I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way. In the path where I walk men have hidden a snare for me. Look to my right and see; no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge; no one cares for my life. I cry to you, O Lord; I say, “You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.” Listen to my cry, or I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me. Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name. Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me.”

I fell asleep reading those passages of scriptures, I was so afraid to close my eyes, not knowing if I would open them again. You see my life was like a crop, there was no soil, only dry and hard dust. I was walking around with dryness in the throat and mouth, seeking refuge and quenching of this raspy staggered breathing we call life in all the wrong things, and I had to get to this place, rock bottom, to death in order to realize and know just how important my life is. When I woke up 2 days later, sick as a dog, I fell to my knees and I began to pray. Being given life is like a new birth, your fresh and new, learning to walk and never knowing where the walk goes, but being led with full and complete trust! I follow Christ everyday, seeking and wanting more of him like never before. I don’t always know where the Lord is leading me, but I know that its only to a place of his will. I don’t know how to lead my own life, I lead it once to destruction and death, and I never want to go to that place again.

So I say to your mothers and fathers who maybe have a child who is struggling with an addiction, never give up hope. Never stop praying and never stop believing that they can be healed and restored to the person you know God has bore them to be. My parents never knew about my addiction, but my ultimate Father did. It was the prayer of my grandparents, and my Godmother, my Pastors and best friend that cause the hand of God to move. Our life is not our own, we don’t have the last word or the right to lay down and die unless the Lord says it is time.

But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.”

John 3:21

My Love for Writing

Hello All,

I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one reading my stuff..lol. I'm a little shy when it comes to sharing the things I write, they are intimate things that I think in my mind and put on paper. Ive never really struggled to be a writer, it kind of just always came natural. I used my writing as a form of therapy, it was introduced to me by my 7Th grade teacher, Mrs. Jones. My parents where Going through a divorce at the time and she saw I was struggling with my emotions, so she suggested I write. She said to me "Tina hunny if you wont talk to me, or God talk to the paper, it doesn't answer back or judge, it just listens". And that was true, the paper didn't talk back..but after a while I realized that having one way conversations with paper didn't heal anything..It was in the conversations I had with God, and wrote about them after than made me a good writer. You see putting your thoughts down isn't the battle, its putting the things God says, just the way he says them that is more difficult. You don't want to miss one word, put in your own words or misinterpret the words, because they are no longer from him. So I say to you, the reader and the writer, seek him all the time, and in his presence, there is no way your writings will fault er, they will always be good. :)

God Bless,

Tina Fernandez

Poetry

*Angel Eyes*

There was a child I once knew
She went away for a time
then shown to me she was grown
Words are hard to find
but to you the blinded
I will try to describe
She holds much worth
in the locks of her hair
Honor and beauty
in the stature she bares
Mamita bonita
she has grown to be
Respected with much power
is what I have come to see.
Skin so beautiful white as snow
she is my angel, my little cousin
Nicole.

*Only You*

I feared to love you
like ones need for their heart to beat.
I never imagined a love so perfect,
a love so complete.
Your presence is nurturing solitude
I've found in an unexpected place..
It is clearly shown in the sadness
my eyes express,
when I've longed to see your face.
You discovered a love within me,
no one was meant to find.
I still cant believe
I found a love that is honest,
truthful and kind.
You've sprung life
where it did not spring
and for that your always
connected to me.

*Did you Know*

They say grass is greener on the other side
Is this true or is it a lie?
I've been on a journey far and wide
looking for a comfort closet to sit and hide.
I've lived the life many don't care to see
but soon Ill be off to live life
happy and free.
All I wanted was to be loved
kissed a little and maybe be hugged.
I never asked for very much
just wanted to feel your comforting touch
No matter how I said I hated you
I lied, cause loving you is all I ever knew.
All I wanted was for you to be there for me
Watch me grow into the person you always wished you could be.
No matter how long I stare into the light
I wont ever forget how you simply
slipped away from me deep into the night.

*My love is*

What you mean to me

There are no words to speak.

You made me realize
the person I want to be.
Its been so long since someone has
made me think,
about the love I have to give.
My love is tender, My love is sweet,
My love is real, My love is power only you can feel.
My love is honest, My love is true,
My love is endless and its all
for you.

*Memories*

Memories are stories in your heart
no one can make you or force you to part.
They are your thoughts
your doings
they are you.
Memories are gifts, from your inner self.
They are the true you,
the you
yourself have not found.
Confused and misled?
Yes they can lead.
Memories never die,
they live
they dwell in the place
no woman, man or child can derive.
Memory, yes you are,
but forget you never I will not,
for you are not reality anymore
you are a memory.

*I miss you always*

Look to the stars
you always used to say,
and faithfully I've looked everyday.
I miss you like
you would not believe
sometimes you not being here
is hard to conceive.
I cant understand why you don't
call or write,
mom swears if you do
she doesn't want to fight.
Even though your still not here
not seeing you again is what I fear.
I'm still proud to be your first born
yet the child that lives inside me will forever morn
for the only man I've ever loved
my father, my hero, you dad,
Cruz Carrillo.

*Love Hurts*

Pain and heart break its all the same
it comes to you unexpected,
it has no shame.
But bitter we should not be
because to have felt heart break
is to have lived; at least for me.
Remember its warmth on a cold day
or how it shined on your beautiful face
in the middle of may.
Hope for a new love to find
to bring ease and comfort to your
lonely unspoken mind.
Heart break is not always bad,
to have never felt love so
pure, so sweet, so comforting
is whats truly sad.